Playing Quietly

Stockings have been emptied. Torn wrapping paper and ribbon stuffed into boxes and bags now spirited away  into the shop to await  2013 bonfire's flame.  Christmas Day 2012 now moves into the realm of the Ghost of Christmas Past and my shoulders relax a little.

Lego kits have been assembled, new dollys cuddle with new owners, mud and goat pen fodder now speckle the bottoms of the new Bogs boots in the boot tray.  Me and mine remain together -  slightly fractured and emotionally askew of course -  the Yours, Mine and Ours scenario pin-balling distastefully against long estranged non-relationships among my own family of origin and my husband'stoo.  Lurking in the shadow of our Christmas tree still sittin' pretty in our parlour are  memories.  Watching and waiting to be gathered together, sorted and stored into a bank bursting from the drama that is family.

When everything on the post-holiday  list is checked off, the special dinner plates returned to Grandma Val's sideboard,  the leavings of Christmas cleared and packed away, the Santa cookies-n-milk tray washed and carefully tucked away. Only then can the  promise of a new year and a clean slate be felt within my grasp.

Bring it on.....

Cookies are a big part of my Christmas.  Baking in general actually is at an all-time buzz at this time of year.  Cookie exchanges - 8 dozen this year- cut-out cookies to decorate and share with friends, cakes and tarts to to fill the bellies of all who come to share some jolly with me and mine make me happy.  The creaming of the butter and the sugar, the adding of the eggs and vanilla, the thick cloud from the cocoa powder keep my senses comforted.  The smell of cinnamon, ginger and Julia's famous Chocolate Mousse easing the blues that too often come to call along with Santa and his elves.

Snow arrived the week before Christmas, covering the property with all that white and crunchy goodness.  Blanketing the potholes on the long driveway in dire need of filling. Prettily covering forgotten toys and outside chores.  Painting a picture of a little house in the big woods untouched by dust or darkness.  With the Solstice comes the dark but always the reminder of its dependence on the light for its very existence.  Just around the corner is every possibility.

My decorations are much beloved.  Each one a page from the story of me and mine.  The story of my family.  Our story begins with a child born to his mother on a February afternoon nineteen years ago.  The family that lives here in my heart and at the end of the long driveway began with my oldest and carries on down to my youngest who turns 3 in March.  My family is defined by who gathers together at this place.  We crowd around the old oak table - all three leaves added to accommodate us all - and although the holes are there we raise our glasses and toast to all that we have become.  Those not present - through death, desertion, or the scourge that is estrangement - are kept at bay so as not to spoil our joy.  Mentioned in whispers and in secret, after the coffee and after little pitchers with big ears have been tucked in and away out of earshot.

Hockey helps. Always has and always will despite the NHL lockout.  Christmas means the World Junior Hockey Championships.  It means Boxing Day games and our much-loved Team Canada leaving the ice following a 9-3 victory over Team Germany.  It means cheering the lads on while recovering from the food and merriment hangover that always follows all that is Christmas Day.....here in the <3 of Dashwood.  In the heart of all that is.....my family.

Happy New Year.....Peace, Love and Clarity

A Touch of Frost.......

Frost on the picnic table greeted me that morning as I raised the blinds on the tall kitchen window  looking out into the back garden. The sun was just starting to move up and around after rising from the front porch-facing side of the house where its rays melt the icy steps leading to the top of the long driveway out to the road. Through the branches of the maple tree the sunshine hitting the picnic table top gleamed prettily.

The sun's December warmth touched the ground, treetops and whatever else lay in its shining path, turning the chilly frost to sparkling twinkles before eventually melting away to plain ol' moisture.  The days are shorter now and with only days toward Christmas a rise in daily temperature means sunshine, if the sun decides to appear at all through these coastal winter clouds, will shine on down only briefly. Never long enough to melt and evaporate the moisture completely before the sun sets through the trees to the west turning all the Island damp to ice and chill once again.

An hour later the news of the shooting at an elementary school breaks the spell of the sunny and crisp morning. A chill creeps into my chest and across my shoulders as I hear the numbers. 28 people shot by a young man who had just come from shooting his own mother in the face in her kitchen.....20 of the victims little children.  My own son is, as I am listening to this news, in the late morning of his Grade 1 day.  Calculating the timeline I realize that as I was settling him into his desk, watching him print words from the word board and choosing a book for reading at his desk,  twenty little children more than likely doing exactly the same thing were experiencing hell.  At the moment his teacher was putting a hand to his shoulder,  saying what a fantastic job he did printing then reading aloud his words from the word board,  eight other teachers were facing down a young man gone mad.

The frost on the picnic table moment seems a premonition now, not the beauty it first revealed itself as in the sunlit morning, but now a jagged and evil chill through my heart.  A million miles away from  the sugar plum visions and North Pole magic conjured to my mind when I first looked out upon in that morning.

Morning Chill

The twinkling frost in the photo was long gone as more and more details came chattering out of the tiny speaker from our vintage transistor radio resting on the windowsill above the kitchen sink. The pretty, twinkling light from the sunlight touching frost a long lost memory now, the picnic table-top looked only sodden and dark, forgotten, a fleeting moment of beauty within the chill saved only in the stillness of a camera shot.

The sun shone that Thursday  morning but the image captured  is more than a picture of  a picnic table in my backyard. It is a memory now of this day. Always this shot will bring me back to a Thursday morning in December when evil crept into Connecticut. The brightness and warmth of those 28 souls, the innocence and joy of 20 little lives can't extinguish the chill, can't melt the frost that settles in deep.  Deep in the twisted, tortured mind of a young man whose emotional, spiritual and right-mind spool irrevocably unwound  the chill will never pass.  

As I did following September 11th I wanted to run at the news. Run to my car, race to the school, and remove my children from the building. Take them away, far away to a safe place only I could find for them.  Run, run, run as I imagine everyone at Sandy Hook Elementary was told to do when everyone realized what was really happening  around them.  Run, run, run.....run to Mom, run to Dad, run to those that removed scary monsters from under the bed and soothe away the boogie man from bad dreams.

My words are lost in my head, swirling in my heart, ravaging my sense of safety for my children. Desecrating my sense of season and place.  Eleven days to Christmas, one day after our annual visit to Gogo's Tree Farm where we had picked the perfect tree.  Death sours  the pine smell of our shop where the tree now rests before being set in its stand then decorated with twinkly lights and candy canes. Raining survivors' guilt on all of us whose wee babes - whether teens, tweens or toddlers - are present and accounted for at the Christmas dinner table.  Enraging and polarizing us all with comment threads screaming of gun laws, mental illness and armed guards posted in schools.

Hand Over

Down the line, under our feet, hiding only slightly out of earshot are our kids. Cowering beneath all the news reports, Facebook pages and conversations among 'experts' suggesting the best way to discuss something like this with our children.  Limit their screen time, don't let them watch the news, be mindful of what we say in front of them, and do our best to convince them they are safe.

I have no words of comfort, I know of no poem that will ease the pain, and feel a pounding in my head thinking about one lone older brother who now must try to move on after his mother and murdering younger brother lay dead along with so many others. The frost has settled in and it ain't pretty.  Not anymore....not right now......not yet.

"This too shall pass...."   has not yet come to pass.

Peace, love and prayers to Newtown, Connecticut and to you all........... <3